•••

Humans are quite foolish.

Or rather they chose to be.

Sometimes not wanting to acknowledge their own mistakes because they know it is because of their own selfish reason that everything has turned out that way.

Or sometimes trying to hide the very thing that would shatter their perfect fairytale.

But in between there are some who neither can deny their mistake nor hide it from themselves.

We are supposed to choose a path between right and wrong but what happens when the lines are blurred and you no longer understand which path you are supposed to choose?

•••

[TW: Detailed scene of Panic Attack]

The bedsheet beside me is cold. The warmth I have just felt a while ago is now gone, leaving a cold sensation in my heart.

Where did he go?

I blink my eyes, trying to spot the switches. It has to be midnight, I don't fall asleep that easily. After switching on the lights I look around the room to see if Mingyu is there somewhere but I don't see him.

“Mingyu” I called his name, hoping he would answer me if he was in the washroom but there was nothing but silence. Sighing, I grab my phone, dial his number.

“The number you are trying to reach is switched off”.

I frown, trying again and again but not getting any response at all.

Where could he go right now?

It's past 2AM, and I am starting to worry about him.

Maybe I should call Jungkook, he's the only person who might know.

I grabbed whatever clothes I could find first and put them on but as I reached towards the door I stopped.

Is it appropriate to knock on his room at this hour?

But what if Mingyu is with him right now?

I stare down at the number I have been trying to call.

An uncomfortable nervousness starts to form in my heart.

Thoughts that were locked somewhere inside my mind start to appear again, this time swallowing me with all the what ifs.

Suddenly the deafening sound is too loud to bear.

My fingers are trembling.

What is happening?

Why is it so hard to breathe?

With trembling fingers I tap on the call button, hoping he will answer.

The line rings but I do not know what to say once he picks up because I cannot form any words right now.

My own heart beat has never been so loud to me before as I grip the device tightly in my hand.

“If you ever feel like your thoughts are consuming you, try breathing in and out and it will help you before you get a panic attack”.

I try to do what Namjoon has told me if I ever get into this state. But I cannot stop these overwhelming thoughts and my own breathing.

Why does everything have to be this way?

Why do I have to be this way?

I no longer understand my own mind or body?

What have I become?

I feel like I will choke on my own breath. My legs feel numb and I fall on the floor, gasping for breath.

I do not want to be like this.

I do not want to be so miserable.

Do not want to be so pathetic.

Tears run through my face but I do not wipe them away.

Mingyu.

Where are you?

I need you.

The strong grip around my heart makes me sob, it is excruciating.

Maybe it will be over once the pain consumes me entirely.

Once this heart stops beating.

I can no longer bear it.

I dig my nails on my palm, wanting to feel the physical pain rather than this invisible demon I cannot fight.

Drops of blood trickle from my skin and I scratch deeper.

The more, the better.

Suddenly there is a pull, a strong grip around my hands, stopping me from scratching myself further. But the urge to draw blood is so strong that I try to do it again once I snatch my hand away from the grip.

I need to do it so I can breathe.

So I don't go insane.

There is a faint voice but I cannot hear it clearly, too busy fighting my own demons.

Someone is shaking me but I cannot see their face, my eyes are full of tears.

The blurry face of someone keeps shaking me until I am breathing hard.

I want to say something but my lips are trembling and no words are coming out from my mouth.

Am I even breathing?

I don't know.

My vision starts to get dizzy as I can no longer breathe.

I feel warm skin around my face, wiping away my tears.

Something tells me that this is the best way to die.

Being in someone's arms, taking the last breath.

But I do not want to die.

Not right now.

Something wraps around my mouth, hot and wet and I feel myself breathing again. Greedily clinging to that source, inhaling through my mouth until my vision starts to clear.

“Breath” a voice whispers against my mouth and I obey.

My fingers clutch the first thing they could grab as I breathe into the warm mouth. My brain starts to calm down, the grip on my heart unleashed. I listen to the heart beat that is so loud against my ears.

The familiar embrace that makes me close my eyes and inhale the calming phenomenon that surrounded me protectively.

Just like that night.

Once my breath regulated, his mouth started to pull away but I did not let him. I am afraid if he pulls away I will stop breathing again so I put my lips against him again.

This time sucking them with urgency as if without him I can no longer breathe.

“Ha-Yoon” the very familiar breathless voice.

My name on his lips.

I snap open my eyes, shocked at my own action.

I blink my eyes, staring at Jungkook's face with my slightly blurry vision.

It's as if I am struck by lightning.

What have I done?

My chest rises in utter panic as I struggle in his arms.

The very arms that have saved me just now.

“Hey, hey, it's okay, don't panic” he tries to soothe me but I know what I did is wrong and the guilt is too much.

I just ruin everything.

“Ha-Yoon” he whispers my name so softly while staring at me that I feel like I will crumble in his arms “look at me, you are okay”.

Am I really okay?

“Calm down, breathe in and breathe out” he says but I am only staring at him with a heavy heart.

His hands on my face are warm but I am shivering uncontrollably. He might have noticed it too as the next moment his hands are around my body, pulling me into his warm embrace.

I do not know what to do.

Just a mere thought triggered my anxiety which led to a full blown panic attack. I wonder if I would have been dead by now if he had not reached in time.

My thoughts are over consuming and a tangled maze.

I can feel his hand caressing my hair, soothing me down from this misery.

I wonder if it's okay for me to find solace in someone else's arms who is not my husband even if I was on the verge of collapsing.

“You scared me” I heard him whisper.

I want to apologise for worrying him. Maybe I should.

“I am so–” I try to speak.

“Don't” he interrupts me and I shut up.

His arms hold me protectively and the familiarity of his warmth made me remember about the night I had held him in my drunken state.

"Please touch me" I whisper, taking his hand in mine and pressing my cheek against his palm. His palm is warm but cold and I feel a shiver going through my body, enough to make my knees go numb.

My body went still at the sudden memory.

What was that?

I remember nothing from that night at first and I believed I had not done something too but then this.

For some sick reason my brain wants me to recall everything.

My fingers slowly pull his hand down, making his fingers brush on my neck until it rests on my throat. His palm is so big that it covers my whole neck. So warm and gentle. It's an exotic feeling I have always desired, just like that painting where a masculine hand is wrapped around that delicate neck.

I close my eyes, feeling hatred towards myself.

How could I do this?

"Do you think it is wrong for me to ask you to do all those things?" I murmurs against his chest, his skin is warm, despite being drenched in the rain.

"What things?" he asks as if I have not told him before. Maybe he has forgotten about it.

"This, I imagine you fucking me hard and fast while you wrap your hand around my neck like this" I let his fingers roam around my neck. It feels surreal. A sick desire that resides deep in my soul and only he can make it happen.

He tries to pull away his hand but I hold it, placing it on my waist. I hear a sharp breath from him. I wonder what is going through his head or is he planning all the ways to take me.

Shame fills my entire being.

I do not know what to do or how to face myself either.

Do you also think I have become a mess?" I cannot help but ask him. What if he also thinks like that? What if he too gives up on me like I have given up on myself. Will he leave me?

"You are not a mess Ha-yoon" He says, I feel his hand on my head, gently running his fingers through my hair. For some reason I believe him. The wine has made me confident, it made me do things which I might never do in my sober self.

Sighing against his chest I press a gentle kiss on his neck, lingering my lips on his skin for a few seconds longer before caressing his warm skin with my tongue, tasting the water and him. I feel him shiver against me.

I have crossed a limit and there is no way I could turn back time and undo everything.

“What are you thinking?” He asks, still caressing my hair tenderly, enough to make me feel like I am something so precious.

But I need to ask.

“Why did you lie to me?” My question caught him off guard as his hand stopped for a second but then continued again.

“I never lied to you” he answers as if it is something so obvious. But he did.

“You did. You told me nothing had happened between us that night” this is something I might never be able to forgive myself for, not because it is wrong but it is against my morals.

The same morals which made me miserable.

“I thought you did not remember” his voice is low and hesitant.

“I do remember now” I confess.

“Hmm” he hums “how much do you remember?”

“Enough to know how I shamelessly threw myself on you” Even though I was drunk I still should have been aware of what I was doing.

“What else?” He asks and I frown.

I gulp and raise my head to stare at him. He too is looking at me.

“What do you mean?” I blurted out.

“You yourself said that you remember everything, but do you?” His words make my heart stop “I have not lied to you. I just did what could have put you at ease after everything you have said and done that night and decided to forget about it the very next day. You can reassure yourself that you were drunk but you were conscious enough to know that it was me and not your goddam husband”.

My eyes are wide and fresh tears escape from them. “You can deceive yourself all you want but you cannot deceive reality.”

He brings his face closer to mine, his hot breath falls on my lips “You should not have kissed me Ha-Yoon and moan my damn name”.

•••