If anyone had seen my face right now, they would have laughed at my facial expression. I was intimidated by a woman. And for a man, that was quite scandalous. I blinked a few times, wetting my dry lips with my tongue as I stared at those eyes which held me captivated. The smoke came from her red lips as she breathed slowly, tilting her head. The smirk plastered on her lips was mocking me for my misery. Not on a regular basis would you find a man flustered by a woman.

It wasn't only her stare, her voice, her words, that had caught me off guard. Yes, I was staring at her like a creep but had never expected those words. I have caught people staring at me often, but never did I say something like that. If checking out someone was indirectly eye fucking them, then we all have done this crime, every day. I coughed, taking my time to deny her accusations, but was I innocent? 

No, guilty as charged. But I hid it. 

"Sorry" I said, to reassure myself and probably to ask what she had said, I was a good pretender. Avoiding my eyes from her, I searched for my bike. Although I could feel her stare burning on me. The darkness did a pretty good job of helping me to hide my embarrassment. 

The thick air around us was burning with the scent of alcohol and her cigarette, something I hated as a guy. For a guy, I was very shy and uncomfortable around unknown people. But still I choose to sing in front of several unknown people. Sometimes, I just couldn't understand myself. Beyond the bitter smoke of her cigarette and it's toxic burning scent was a subtle sweetness I couldn't resist. 

All I needed was to leave at that moment even though I was searching for her a while ago, like my life was depending on it. Is this how romance happens in those cheap romantic novels? 

"Was that song for me?" Her voice came like a sharp knife cutting the thick air. I bit my lip. The song was only written before, but after seeing her it had become something else, something more. Looking at her, I met her eyes which held no emotions, her eyebrows scrunched up together. 

"No, it was for everyone" I replied bluntly, leaving no space for suspicion. The look on her face clearly told me that she was not convinced by my answer. Instead, she took out the cigarette from her lips, throwing it on the ground and stomping on it with her heel.

"You know" She started, taking a step towards me "the way you sang it while looking at me one would probably think it was written for me" maybe it was not written for you but you made it for you. Before meeting you they were just words scribbled on paper but you gave them the meaning. But I would never say it loudly apart from admitting to myself. 

It was just a coincidence. We would probably never meet again. 

"Well" She tilted her head "who knows" and with that i found myself breathless again. Had she just guessed what I was thinking? I could only stare at her, to her beautiful face, close to mine. It was something I had never felt before towards anyone. 

If it was not for her, I would have had to change my sexual preference. 

"I-" my words were frozen deep inside me, not coming out of my lips. Be a man, be a man Jungkook. If it was another guy, he probably would have already flirted with her but look at you standing like a scared bunny as if she would snatch your carrot. 

I cringed at my own thoughts. No wonder I was bad at this. But I did feel like a bunny in a trap. Her hazel eyes looking at me, no hesitation, no sign of nervousness, as if I was the prey here. 

"I indeed was looking at you because you were the perfect person for my song" it was not a lie but also not the whole truth, I mentally praised myself for politely replying. Because suddenly I wanted to leave a good impression. "So you are saying I'm the muse of your song?" she raised her eyebrows at me and I simply nodded to her question. 

The tension in the air was killing me. 

"Well, that's interesting. Because every time I meet a man they only say how desperately they want to have me. You are probably the first one to not say it".

Well, I was not a pervert. And I didn't have that type of thought in my head yet. 

"Why would I? I don't even know your name." did it sound like I was asking for her name indirectly? If it was, then I made a fool of myself in front of a stranger who must have been enjoying this too much. How did I know? I could see it in her eyes. Maybe she was one of those women who likes to intimate people with their personality and I was just her another victim for that night. My mind was a mess. 

"Do you want my name?" she asked or rather teased. Yes, I wanted to know but couldn't say it loudly. Not every day do you stumble upon a beautiful stranger flirting with you in a dark alley. Flirting? I bit my dry lip at the thought of it. How the hell did I get myself into this? I should've stayed away from this mess which could only bring trouble for me. But the loud thumping of my heart said something else, it was on the verge of exploding. 

Clenching my fists tightly, I whispered "No, I don't need your name".

•••

I don't need your name. 

I don't need your name

All I could think was this one particular sentence, lying on my bed, blankly staring at the ceiling above me. It had been two hours since I left the club. It had been two hours since I'd met her. It had been two hours since I lost myself in her thoughts. It had been two hours since I'd started to regret not asking her name. It had been two hours since someone had left their impression on me so badly that each second my mind went crazy.

I was not supposed to feel this way, but still that unknown feeling was there.

It was 11pm, and I laid down as soon as I reached my dorm. My roommates were still missing when I stepped inside. Empty as always, it was not like I was close to them, but still knowing that someone was there to greet you after a long day was enough to bring a smile to one's face. The only thing that made me smile was my bed. I could care less about changing my clothes when my mind was messed up with something else.

I tossed in my bed. Maybe skipping dinner was not a good idea. I should have stayed a little longer in the club. The tiredness keeps pushing me to the verge of sleep, but my restless heart won't allow it, and I hate that feeling. As my gaze fell upon the books in my nightstand, I realised I was fucked up badly this time. Attending classes was not my thing, but if I didn't complete my assignments on time I could feel and I didn't want that. 

Coming here was not easy. So I better not fucked up this time. Groaning, I sat up, rubbing my face with my palms. Sweat, dirt, oil and the smell of alcohol made me hate myself more. I shouldn't be like this. I better get myself together while I have the time or it won't be easy for me this time.

The weekends would pass away in the blink of an eye. Monday's were tiring for me, the same part time jobs, the same classes to attend if I wanted to, which I used to skip most of the time and lots of studying. I would always wait for Saturday to come sooner than ever. That way I could escape from this daily routine, escape from the fake facade, the mic makes me happy, singing makes me happy. I can be myself while I play my guitar and hum along with it. 

I wanted everything to remain this way. I didn't want to be greedy, I couldn't ask for more. The word always makes me scared. Though it was tempting, it had ruined me once, and I wouldn't let that happen again. Never.

It was a promise to myself. 

The clock hanging on the wall showed it was almost 11:30 pm. I pushed myself up from the bed, dragged my tired body to my closet, opened it while I decided what to cook for myself. I wasn't good at it and not bad either. A bowl of ramen would do, but that would only give me anxiety about my health. Drop that, I could make something else.

I grabbed the first T-shirt and a comfortable sweatpant along with a clean towel and made my way out of the room and to the bathroom me and my other two roommates shared. In a way, I was glad that they were not here, so I could be at peace for a short time. I needed it after a tiring day. Saturday nights were always like this. They would often spend the whole night outside and come home in the morning only to rush out after 5 minutes. Our conversations were limited to only hi and hello, nothing less, nothing more. And I was very glad about it. 

Even though the three of us went to the same university, our departments were different. I wondered how I ended up with them. 

Rolling my neck to reduce some tense muscles, I stepped inside the shower, placing my clothes on the counter. I stripped the ones which reeked of alcohol and tiredness, keeping them in the basket. The first thing to do in the morning. 

The hot water instantly calmed my nerves, washing away the exhaustion. I ran my fingers through my wet hair, making sure to wash it properly. I do not like to look like a mess even though no one is around me. Taking care of my own body is the only thing I can do for myself. 

I grabbed the almost empty bottle of my shampoo, knowing those two only liked to use it because of the sweet smell. I rolled my eyes but took enough for my hair and made a mental note to buy it tomorrow. 

Wrapping the towel around my wet waist after the shower only made me realise how hungry I was. I took my clothes from the counter and made my way to the small living room, switching the tv on and keeping the volume low. I wore my clothes and dried my hair with the same towel. 

The kitchen was not a place where guys like me would often go. I wondered if I would be successful enough to find something for me, but to my surprise there were plenty of things like bread, jam, eggs, juice and of course beers. At least I won't starve. The only thing I knew to make was scramble eggs and toast, which was a typical breakfast but who cares if I eat that at night. Food is food. 

I started to make my night breakfast only to mess up a little. My eggs were saved from becoming ashesh and my toast to be coal. I grabbed a bottle of juice and brought everything to the living room, placing it on the table in front of the TV. Some news channels were put on, in which I was not interested. 

Just as I brought my nearly dead toast to my lips, a picture appeared on the screen and my toast fell on the floor. My eyes wide and mouth open for the food which didn't reach its destination. I blinked and blinked. Taking in the picture in front of my eyes. Was I hallucinating because of the lack of sleep?

Fuck. 

The face I dreaded the most was in front of my eyes, in front of my fucking food, laughing. My jaw clenched as my hold around the plate tightened. I had this sudden urge to throw it on the TV screen which made my blood boil. But sadly I couldn't do that. I couldn't afford to buy another tv nor could I waste my food for some piece of shit. 

My appetite had long gone as I sighed heavily, placing the food on the table in front of me. Rubbing my face with my palms, I could feel the rage in my veins. The muffled noises coming from the tv screen annoyed me to the core, so I quickly took the remote and shut it off. 

It irked me, after a not so peaceful day. 

Groaning, I lean on the couch, staring at the white ceiling. It could have been easy, if I had avoided it. 

I couldn't remember the last time I was this angry. 

I closed my eyes and let the silence engulf me, but the torment inside my heart which I could not decipher had me agitated. 

The sound of the door opening made me flinch, sighing. I turned my head to look at the newcomer, who had already thrown his jacket on the ground, clumsily untying the shoelaces while trying to stand properly. The strong smell of alcohol made me scrunched up my nose. I wondered how many bottles he'd drank today. Upon realising my presence he looked up, lazily smiling while tumbling on his way. 

I rolled my eyes seeing the lipstick stains on his neck and the messy hair, the usual. 

"Thought you would be sleeping" He said as he plopped on the other side of the couch. 

"I was about to go" I mumbled, mentally reminding myself to clean the mess I have created. The food in front of me was untouched, as much as I wanted to go and sleep I stayed and took the toast, finally taking a bite and munching on it. It didn't taste like how I wanted, but I could care less. 

Maybe the sound of my munching was so loud that my roommate, Jimin, looked up at me "are you okay?". I swallowed the food before replying "Yeah, why?".

"You know everytime you perform you seem happy and excited but today you don't. You are even eating burnt toast at this hour" he pointed out the little details I might have not noticed till now. It was true, today I got to perform my own song in front of an audience who applauded me, praised my singing, I was happy but still I wasn't. I looked at him, finding him eating the scramble egg from my plate with his bare hands. 

Did he even wash his hands after removing his shoes? 

He caught me staring at him "what? It tastes peculiar but it's good" he shamelessly said. "It would have been better if you had washed your hands Jimin. You stink" I complained, not liking the smell of alcohol and sweat coming from his body. 

"Jeez it's normal when you want to have fun but of course your kind of fun is different which involves guitar and songs. Man I can't even think of myself doing it, I'd rather be drunk and get laid somewhere" he took the other toast, happily munching as if he'd starved himself until now. "Anyway why are we eating breakfast in the middle of the night anyway?" he asked. 

"I was hungry and I do not know how to cook" I told him which was true. If I'd not left hurriedly I would have had dinner with Taesung or bought something on my way home but that thought didn't cross my mind today because of a certain individual. 

I hate how she has been able to consume my own being in a small amount of time. 

I was Intimidated by her eyes which were void of any emotion, leaving me flustered by myself. 

"You could have ordered something like always, I'm afraid you will burn down the apartment one day and I cannot imagine myself sleeping on the road so yeah please don't cook from next time. Or maybe you could ask me or Jiwoong to buy dinner" he huffed, licking his lips after eating, rubbing his hands on the couch. 

"Jimin please don't do that, it's gross. Just go shower and sleep, you don't look good" but he shook his head, making himself comfortable "tomorrow is Sunday so don't worry I'm gonna sleep all day. All these classes and assignments are stabbing my brain." for once I didn't disagree with him. 

I could not believe that only in six months we were about to graduate. Well only if I don't fail. Maybe six months from now I would be able to get a job, maybe I could try for higher studies or maybe I would still be here, doing part time jobs and singing in the club… Maybe, just maybe I would be able to change my life for which I'd left my home, for which I'd given up on my dreams, my everything.. I could only wish. 

The thought had left me terrified of the future, being scared of failure and disappointing myself. 

Or maybe if I had known that my life was about to change in six months I would have prepared myself for the upcoming torrent.